Choosing life

Today is my mom's birthday.  I never know what I want to do on these milestones.  Part of me wants to bake a cake and celebrate her life.  The other part of me wants to pretend it is a regular day because it hurts to much to think about her being gone.  I often get angry because I just feel like it is so painfully unfair that she is gone.  My life has changed so much since she died.  I bought a house, put down roots, had a baby, quit my job and had another baby.  I feel like she missed seeing me grow into a woman.  A mom is supposed to be there for her daughter to help her through pregnancy and raising small kids.  She was supposed to rock my babies and sing to them like she did her other grandchildren.  In a lot of ways, the last few years have been the best years of my life. But, they have also been the hardest.  I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to talk to my mom. There are a 100 things I wish I would have asked her about life, parenthood and marriage.  Questions that just didn't occur to me at 25. All these feelings make it so hard for me to talk about her.  And, I know it is important that I do.  I have to keep her memory alive. It is such a delicate thing.  Henry is so perceptive, even at four.  A few months back he finally put it together that I didn't have a mom (who was living).  He started asking me if I missed her and what would he do if I left him.  Mortality is never a fun subject to discuss with your kids but it seems even more sensitive because both of my parents are gone.  I just finally got him to stop worrying about us dieing and leaving him.  Which leaves me with today, what do I do about today?

Frankie Key April 1977 

After thinking about it, I'm going to choose life.  I am going to focus on what I have.  Today is a beautiful day the sun is shinning and birds are singing.  My little house is tidy, I have bread rising and the boys have been so delightful.  I'm going to take nap time to look at old pictures and remember my mom (and cry a lot).   But, when they wake up I am going to choose to be present.  There is no use in me getting angry about something I can't control or change.  I don't know why she had to get cancer and die but she did.  I'm going to choose to be happy.  I think we will celebrate, I'm going to make cookies with the boys in her old yellow bowl.  The same bowl I made countless batches of cookies in with her. And I think, for this year at least, I won't share with them the significance of March 10th.  Maybe when they are older we can talk about her on her birthday.  But this year I am just going to be keep the important of the day to myself.  I will tuck away all my memories and stories to share with the boys when they are a little bit older. I'm going to try to make the most out of the blessing of life and the chance I have to spend my days with these wild little boys.  I know she would have loved them.  Happy birthday mom I love you and miss you more than you will ever know. 


P.S.  I'd give anything to be able to be at the beach today.  The ocean is a special place for my family (so many memories). We scattered my mom's ashed at sea.  I would love to smell the salt air and feel the sand on my toes.  I also miss my family so very much. I hate that we all live so far away from each other. I love you all dearly, wherever you are.